The next couple months passed in a blur of anxiety and unfinished business and I really struggled to cope. I saw a couple of counsellors and I didn’t like either of them. I felt judged and I didn’t find they helped me on the slightest. I didn’t find I could bare my heart and soul to them and I didn’t find they helped at all. They truly did not understand what it felt like to lose a baby and I felt like just another statistic rather than a person who was valued for their feelings. One sat with her arms folded and judged me about the fact I had used the names of Arlo’s neonatal friends in the story I’d...
What next? We’d survived Christmas without our boy. We’d scraped through on our hands and knees, but we’d got there. What now? We’d thought about surviving Christmas, but we hadn’t thought of anything beyond that! There was no planning and preparation to distract me. The hype of Christmas had sort of reflected off me, unable to penetrate my armour, but I had been caught up in the business of it all. And now the page had turned and we entered a new year without Arlo, I was thrust into the deepest January blues imaginable and I truly didn’t know where to go from here. Turning the page to a blank, fresh new year was incredibly difficult. It felt like we...
Arlo died 6 weeks before Christmas, and everyone said to me repeatedly that I didn’t need to do Christmas this year. Okay, there would be sadness surrounding Christmas, but Christmas was about getting together as a family and that’s what we needed right now. We had thought about going away to Disney, but being away from our families at this special time of year wouldn’t be right for us. Aside from that, Christmas preparation was a distraction. It was a simple tick-list task I was able to do and complete so I could feel some kind of accomplishment for. Also, we had Alfie! We simply had to do Christmas! He’d lost his brother, he’d had 4 months of uncertainly and...
The self preservation society I unfollowed some of you on Facebook, I avoided certain social situations, I didn’t push myself to make others happy, I avoided babies at all costs and looking back, I’m not sorry. I was at the time, I felt terrible for letting others down, I felt angry at myself for the jealousy that ate away inside me, and I felt weak for not being able to summon the strength to gather myself together. I had to shut down to preserve what was left of my broken heart, I had to look after myself, so I could try to rebuild and function again (even for the moment if it was at the most basic level). I just...
I had my ‘Bruce Almighty’ moment fairly early on After Arlo’s death- Screaming at sky till I was hoarse, punching my steering wheel and sobbing; projectile anger- exorcist like. Lily died. Arlo’s little friend Lily lost her battle. And I was furious. I had been in contact with Lorraine since we left Liverpool. I knew she moved into the family flat we were in so her Charlie could come and stay with her. I was so happy for her, Charlie had come to see her and his little sister, but he hadn’t been able to stay over with his mum. I was over the moon that they could now stay together. I left everything to Lorraine; another mum in the...
